Pondering

I have actually not done anything but stay on the computer since I last posted; I didn't go do yearbook or anything else.

I am in one of those weird, contemplative moods. I was like this earlier today.. at church. I'm one of those people that, well, I'm not always talking about my faith. I don't bring up religion very often, I'm not obsessed, I don't let it consume daily life, but I certainly still have it. Also, I have recently become more interested in at least looking at what others believe, at least more than I was before. Before, I just followed the motions, did what I was told. Recently, I have been thinking a lot. A Lot. And have been trying to reason things out. This is like November, kind of, when I was having a brief, sullen, thoughtful few weeks. Anyway, I've been trying to make sense of it all. And of course that is impossible beyond impossible. The human mind is great and all; there's so much it is capable of doing and understanding and inventing. But it definitely has limits. There's so much a human being isn't in any way capable of understanding/ comprehending.

There is so very much I don't (and CAN'T) understand... so much I don't know.

But that's okay; I won't spend my effort and time trying to make my human mind understand things I know it cannot. I've decided that I've just got to say, "Hey, it's okay. I don't know.. and that's fine."

I think it's important, though, to think things out, though. It may be easy to just go along mindlessly completing the motions, reciting memorized passages and such. I'm not saying memorizing creeds is bad in itself (it's not)... but there needs to be that meaning behind it. You need to be justified in saying and doing things. Don't go to church or recite things or sing just because that's what you're 'supposed to do' or you're 'expected to do.' Rather, do these things because of your own faith. Do them for your own growth. Don't do things just for the re-assuring routine, that sense of familiarity that is so comforting. Rather, do them out of your own choosing, your own necessity, your own love of God. [end note: I'm not preaching here or anything; this is merely more of a note to myself than anything...]

So, that's kind of been my thought process. There's also the whole thing (of course.... meh..) of what I am going to do with the rest of my life. There's the nagging parents and other adults, the nagging ever-ticking clock, and even the nagging in my own head. I need to make important decisions. That's a fact. I don't know exactly when I need to make those decisions, but 'the sooner the better' is pretty much the best way to cover it. My problem is that I am not a very decisive person. It's not that I think the outcome doesn't really matter; it's that I think the outcome matters a great deal. There's so many things I would like.. I just want to make everyone happy, including myself.. But I've got a sneaking suspicion that that isn't a very possible task (making everyone happy, that is). Hrm. I have more to say on this and other matters, but I don't know how to phrase it or put it into words of any kind. Just picture a general unsettled/pensive/lost feeling emanating from my body. I'm beginning to hate the "C" word, by the way... (Collages!)

Pondering...