SO long.. and, "so long"

Okay. I’ve been telling everyone that I’m going to go work on my essay right now. Well, know what? I’m lying. I’m writing, but it’s not my essay. I’m writing a post, and I suspect it might be quite long. It’s going to help me figure out my thoughts as I go. And at the end, I might just come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to be a copy-cat (like always), but I will inevitably get to that and explain more. Well, I don’t know why, but it seems like an eternity since my last post. I have no clue why I feel like that, but I do. I don’t even remember what I last wrote about. (By the way, I’m feeling kind of lazy, so don’t expect this to be nice and neat and separated into paragraphs; it will be scrambled and mixed up, just like my weary brain). Well. Well, well, well. Where to begin. The last time I wrote, I think it was something about, um, my sickness? I think. Yeah, it was some stupid dramatic thing. I really did feel rather like crap, but it was certainly overly spruced with drama. Yeah. Not in the mood today, folks. So, fact is, I’m feeling better, I guess. My throat’s still bugging me, but I really don’t feel like I have a fever or anything. Enough about my health; it really is quite uninteresting. Instead, here’s another fact: everyone, students and teachers alike, are getting fed up. Fact is, we’re tired. And irate. Overall, stressed, pissed, and not terribly chipper. Maybe I’m biased, but the general consensus of people that I’ve talked to/ observed is that everyone is ready for spring break. I for one am very, very ready. I think I’m ready for more than that. Ready for a break from being Sherri. Of course, that’s completely fanciful (one of my greater qualities is my knack for stating the obvious), but still, I can dream. Well, one more day. One more day, and then at least I will be away from here, for at least a little while. I certainly won’t be away from reality though; in fact, I will be right in reality’s face, as I am going to go look at a few colleges. Yeah. Well, no matter. I’m strangely not worried about tomorrow in the slightest. Well, maybe in the slightest. But just ever so slightly. I mean, right now, I ought to be writing my T.S. Eliot essay, which, if I worked as hard as I should, should take me about.. oh.. 2 hours, maybe? If I had more days, I would probably take even longer than that on it, but alas, I have a limited number of hours in which to work. Anyway, I have an essay, precal hw, stats hw, studying for precal, and studying for bio. Among other things. And, so, yes, I will probably be up very, very late, and will most likely get only a sparse few hours of sleep, but, you know what? Who really cares. I just have to push through today.. /tomorrow.. Well, think I’m done yet? You’re wrong if you think so; I’m just getting started. I really don’t know what to say as far as this next important thing goes, so… maybe I won’t say it, just yet. Instead, I’ll ramble through my insane day. I swear, someone’s out to get me.. Pretty much today everything was.. not how it should be. Life went on exactly the same, mundane way as always in this tiny, broken, pathetic little town… and yet.. things were drastically different. Turned sideways. Things were wacked. Alright. I somehow miraculously got up at 5:30ish. Jumped in the shower. Jumped out. Ate breakfast, for once (frootloops). Sped to school. Wait, I stopped at starbucks for a mocha. Parked. Walked through the freezing cold wind to English, where Ms. B. miraculously was. She must seriously get there 2 hours before school starts.. holy crap. So I walk in, and say, “Wow, holy crap.. are you always here this early??” She said, “Yeah, I try to get here about this time everyday. I like to come and get work done; it’s easier to work when no one’s here.” And I said, “You mean when we noisy kids aren’t here..” And she kind of smiled and nodded. I told her I was going to go get help in precal, even though I loathe that place. So I ran off to precal, and was honestly shocked out of my mind to find the door unlocked. So, I walked in, and we went through my old test. I was in her room for over. An. Hour. It was insane. In English we presented our posters, and she said our symbolism was good. I didn’t really talk much to her today. In precal I attempted to learn. In stats I didn’t. During lunch I was an idiot and took a precal test. I was late to yearbook. Yearbook was okay; I finished my project and it looks mighty fine. I’m really excited. Oh yeah, and I walked around with Simone and got crazy footage for the DVD.. insane!! But not as insane as what happened after school. (Wow, this is getting long, huh? I really am a procrastinator.. I should be working on my essay!! I’ll try to wrap it up, but believe me, this is long for a reason). So basically I walked to my car. I said goodbye to my friends, yadda yadda. Then—great. Where’re my keys? I dumped my backpack out searching… couldn’t find ‘em. I ran back over the overpass. I saw Mr. M, and decided to stalk him to see if he would take me to Ms. B., but instead he went into Easton’s. I then went to Mrs. S’s room… locked. Then, starting to hyperventilate slightly, I went to the office. No keys were found, but I should try again in the morning. Well, that’s just great, I thought, and wandered into the IMC. There, I attempted to catch my bearings. I mean, all day things were, as I said earlier, … not right. I mean, Ms. B. was all distant and stressed. She wasn’t mean.. no. But she wasn’t completely herself. She’s stressed; we all are. I certainly am…. And Mrs. S. was being nice.. that’s certainly different. And then, after stats… that was really unnerving to see my ex-boyfriend and some #$%^*!@%. Wait. Let’s try that again… with some $*!@. No, no.. let’s try this ONE more time: … with some… girl. Yes. With some girl. Moving on……… Back to the keys. So I was in the IMC, trying to make my head stop spinning, and so I flung my backpack down by a computer, and headed towards the bathroom. I was going to go to the sink and splash some cold water on my face to calm me down, but there was some chick in there, kind of just standing there, looking like she was waiting. So, I just went into a stall. Well, I quickly jumped back, as the toilet was kind of overflowing with some revolting gunk and I’mnotgoingintodetails. Sooo.. I went into the NEXT stall, which I found to be satisfactory.. or at least not oozing disgusting stuff… I came out, washed my hands, and then my mouth felt completely arid, so I got a nice gulp of water from the fountain. After that gulp, I felt I had things semi under control, and I went to go sit down at a computer to think. Well, just as I logged in, the lady said, “time to log out; we’re closing.” I groaned and clicked ‘log out’ as I picked up my backpack. I sat outside the IMC thinking awhile. I finally resolved to go back to my car and look for the spare key. After about 15 or more minutes of groping the underside of my car (not actually a pleasant experience, by the way..), I was grimy and forlorn. I called Kelsey. We talked. I ran to p-wing. I pounded on the door. I pounded on the other door. Finally, finallllllly, after about a million billion eons, Sarah’s mom came and let me in. We called Jesus (ha ha, as I’m typing this, I realize this sounds completely insane and completely ridiculously hilarious). Jesus is the janitor. Jesus let me in to the computer lab. Just as I looked about the room crestfallen, I spotted my coat hanging sad and alone on a faded yellow chair. I ran to it, and yes.. there were my keys, too. I thanked Sarah’s mom. And I thanked Jesus. Ha ha. That works. I sped out of the parking lot, and stopped jerkily at starbucks. There, I saw a woman with my first name, and my ex-boyfriend’s last name. Hm….. *snaps out of it * Anyway, she looked at me and said, “hey. What’s on your face?” I related the story quickly. And paid for my drink and left. I sped home, where sat at my computer and imed… someone for a very, very long time. It was pretty crazy. It wore me out, drained me emotionally. Yes, I’m drained. I’ve decided. Drained physically (tennis and sickness and tiredness). Drained intellectually (precal today… made my brain fizzle out into nothingness). And drained emotionally (not even going to go there). Well. Well well well. I have now come to what I think is the end of my post. And so therefore I must say this news. I have demonstrated that can certainly be a copycat. And certainly am, a lot of the time. Well, I am going to be one once again, for hopefully one of the last times. Anyway, what I mean is this: One of my friends is no longer going to keep updating his blog as frequently as he usually does. Well, I’ve decided that that is quite a good idea. I’ve mentioned the fact that I was toying with the idea that I might get rid of this blog, and perhaps start a new one, an anonymous one. For now, though, I’m going to keep it. But I’m going to do an experiment. I’m going to see if I can go without it. Kind of like fasting, you might say. I want to prove to myself that I can deal with change, and that sometimes things will be shaken up. Well, I’m shaking things up. This will be probably the longest post I have ever written, and most likely the last one for a while. Besides, it won’t be so bad…I mean, people that I’ve been talking to.. well, they don’t really read this anymore anyway. So I doubt I’ll disappoint very much at all. I just need to get through tomorrow. Then I’ll be gone for a week. Rejuvenated? Maybe. Different? Well, yes. Like I’ve said before, everyone is always changing. No one… nothing… is ever the same for an instant. Life is motion.. change… maybe that’s what I need. Okay. Enough procrastinating. Enough BS. Goodbye, reader.

amazing..

So, I ended up going to Comp Sci; that's where I am now. I feel somewhat better, and I no longer have a fever. I'm not going to go to tennis though. So basically before school I went to English and did some bio (but first made copies of a page of my essay that she wanted to use as an example). I made the mistake of being a whiny kid and telling her how I was sick, yet again. She was, as always, extremely sympathetic. We talked a bit and she asked me if I'd taken anything. I told her no, and so she told me to go to the nurse and not to worry if I was late. So I went to the nurse this morning and got some tylenol, which was nice, and also a cute little half-pint of water. Oh yeah, and also a peppermint. I walked back into English and class had just started. During class we basically were put into groups and worked on posters about symbolism in LotF. We got like the easiest one, Piggy's Glasses. So we finished that, hung it up on the wall, and I went to bio. Oh except first I went to Sarah and Julie's gov't class and got yelled at yet again by Ms. N. I don't even have her. In bio we did kind of nothing. I'm going to die though: test on Thursday. After bio I traipsed over to student assistant. I walked in and said, "hey" but as soon as I had set my stuff down she said, "Sherri, I just got off the phone with the nurse. I called and told them that you were going to go in and rest there. So, they're expecting you." I smiled, shocked. I finally said but 2 words, but they were said with such sincereness that it didn't matter that it was only 2 words. "Thank you," I said emphatically, and left. I stumbled deleriously into the nurses office, and she led me to the back room. I set down my backpack, and lay down. It was basically the most amazing feeling ever. I just stared at the ceiling for a while, escaping reality. I didn't think about how I'm going to fail out of precal. I didn't think about how much work I have to do. I just let my mind wander. After a bit, I rolled on my side and fell asleep. It was definitely the greatest thing. At lunch I did bio corrections, getting some done for once. And computer science was kind of dull, except for me going up and showing how to do one of the assignments. It was kind of crazy. Okay. Bell rang. I'm going home, maybe stopping by Starbucks....

amazing..

So, I ended up going to Comp Sci; that's where I am now. I feel somewhat better, and I no longer have a fever. I'm not going to go to tennis though. So basically before school I went to English and did some bio (but first made copies of a page of my essay that she wanted to use as an example). I made the mistake of being a whiny kid and telling her how I was sick, yet again. She was, as always, extremely sympathetic. We talked a bit and she asked me if I'd taken anything. I told her no, and so she told me to go to the nurse and not to worry if I was late. So I went to the nurse this morning and got some tylenol, which was nice, and also a cute little half-pint of water. Oh yeah, and also a peppermint. I walked back into English and class had just started. During class we basically were put into groups and worked on posters about symbolism in LotF. We got like the easiest one, Piggy's Glasses. So we finished that, hung it up on the wall, and I went to bio. Oh except first I went to Sarah and Julie's gov't class and got yelled at yet again by Ms. N. I don't even have her. In bio we did kind of nothing. I'm going to die though: test on Thursday. After bio I traipsed over to student assistant. I walked in and said, "hey" but as soon as I had set my stuff down she said, "Sherri, I just got off the phone with the nurse. I called and told them that you were going to go in and rest there. So, they're expecting you." I smiled, shocked. I finally said but 2 words, but they were said with such sincereness that it didn't matter that it was only 2 words. "Thank you," I said emphatically, and left. I stumbled deleriously into the nurses office, and she led me to the back room. I set down my backpack, and lay down. It was basically the most amazing feeling ever. I just stared at the ceiling for a while, escaping reality. I didn't think about how I'm going to fail out of precal. I didn't think about how much work I have to do. I just let my mind wander. After a bit, I rolled on my side and fell asleep. It was definitely the greatest thing. At lunch I did bio corrections, getting some done for once. And computer science was kind of dull, except for me going up and showing how to do one of the assignments. It was kind of crazy. Okay. Bell rang. I'm going home, maybe stopping by Starbucks....

Ahhhhhhhh! First precal problems, now this.. What is WRONG with me?

What is my problem? Is this sickness affecting my brain? I’m cold. And shivering. And sputtering. And muttering. What is wrong??? Why is this such a huge deal? Is my mind just wonky because of the sickness? What if it’s not?? He has every right to do whatever the heck he wants; why should I care? Yes! Here here! Am I insane? Do humans have free will? What is real?

????
???
??
?

hell

I am scalding hot, body red. My breathing is shallow and irregular and forced. My head is pounding with a magnitude to rival my meningitis days. I have a lump in my throat that makes it unbearably hard to swallow. My eyes are burning. I ache. I feel like I could retch my innards out all over my precal binder. Basically, hell.

I honestly don’t feel like doing my usual boring as heck rundown of the day. I honestly feel like hurling a textbook through a window or something. Wait, no. I doubt I have the energy. I just want to collapse and make it all go away. My only release is when asleep. Okay, I suppose I owe an explanation as far as the whole ‘freaky, pissed off, I hate everything attitude.’ I woke up feeling nauseous; I knew today was going to be bad. Oh, but I didn’t know how bad. Before school my best intentions were to go to precal, but I honestly, honestly loathe that place. It reeks of death and decay. I utterly hate everything about precal. Instead I went to the place where I can, for a short time anyway, escape reality partially. Or at least pretend. In English we basically just read LotF, but I was done so I organized some of her humanities stuff and put it in folders. Jeez. Am I a suck-up? Know what?—I don’t care if I am. I don’t mean to be. I certainly don’t need to in that class. Sorry if I seems a tad like I’m bragging or something like that, but it really is all I have to brag about, my one thing that I can hold onto and say, “Look, I like this, and I’m good at it, and I love going to this class.”

Okay. Well, then. Now came death. It was like a viper striking. I don’t even want to think about it; the thought is making my stomach churn literally and my head throb even more. Basically she hates me. And wants to eat me (Julie said it, not me..). Stats doesn’t matter, except for the one miracle that was handed to me: I scraped an A out of the recent test, and I literally thought I failed it. At lunch I was a loser and worked on bio stuff in the quiet sereneness of A-7. All alone. I rather enjoy silence now and again- it was quite nice on my head. Yearbook was chaos; basically we got all worked up over the t-shirt design. Wow. And then I worked. And throughout the class my body ached more and more, as well as my throat.

Tennis was torture. I could not hit the ball for the life of me, and finally after like an hour I couldn’t take it, so I just lay down right there on the court. Flat as a pancake. No one cared or noticed; it was great. Wobbling slightly, I headed for the bathrooms because I was sure I would throw up or something. I ended up spending a glorious eternity at the waterfountain, gulping the weird tasting ice cold stuff down.

After practice Julie and I chilled at Starbucks. This was the one saving grace, the one hallelujah all day. When that Grande White Mocha touched my lips and ran down my throat in all of its caffinated, gooey, sugary, creamy goodness, I was content for once today.

But now I’m at home. I was upset. My dad, surprisingly, calmed me down. He gave me ice-water. He talked serenely and logically with me. Our voices were, as Mrs. S. would say, “one meter voices.” HOLY CRAP I HATE THAT…

Calm..

Calm.

Okay. My fever is only 99.7. I’m not going to die. Even though this week will be even more torturous than today (shudder shudder), I won’t die. At least I hope not. I already keeled over twice today…

insanity...

Okay. Taking a break from my essay. I’m actually making progress, I think. Kind of. Maybe. Anyway, here’s the current scene at my house. Approximately 5 times per minute, 2 shirtless little boys (my brother and cousin) run by me, chasing each other and wielding flyswatters. They are yelling and babbling incoherently. Occasionally they run over to me or my aunt or dad or mom and swat. In the background, my mom and aunt are talking in the kitchen, and my dad and uncle are talking in the front room. My sister and other cousin are sitting about 2 feet from a blasting TV playing Mario Party something. Oh yeah, and now the baby is crying. I suppose everyone’s accounted for. Basically, life is insane. All I really want to do is run into my room, slam the door, and jump into bed. And fall asleep. Holy crap, this week is going to be absolute torture, absolute insanity. I always loathe the end of the 6 weeks, but this time will be excruciatingly painful. I need to correct 2 bio tests, finish this essay, and somehow, someway complete 2 precal tests. I grow queasy at the thought. Ah, well. No matter. I’ll just jam out to music for now, and keep working on my essay. I seriously doubt I’ll finish tonight, actually. Bring on the double shot expresso is all I can say for this week…..

You don't know...

Okay. Right now I should probably actually be writing my huge research essay, but I’m not. Instead I’m eating baby goldfish (we finally got some—yess!), listening to quiet music, and also watching my cousins. See, they’re visiting from CO. Their ages are: 7, 4, and almost 1. Yeah, so, insane. Including my brother there are 4 crazy little boys running around here. I was too, but then I got tired and decided to come here and attempt to write my essay. Alas, it is tougher than I thought. I mean, the hard part is getting started, I suppose. I don’t know why I feel so drained still. I even went to bed at a reasonable time (11 or so), and slept in until like 9. I don’t exactly feel tired, I just feel… calm. Sedentary. Perhaps it’s the overall quiet pervading our house (the baby’s sleeping). It’s just a quiet, quiet day.

Different topic, slightly. Okay. So everyone needs some sort of.. escape, some means of coping with everyday life. Almost everyone needs to just.. somehow convey information. I’m beginning to think that my.. coping mechanism, if you will, is writing. Of course, drawing as well is certainly soothing, but I think writing things down helps me to just spill, to get my thoughts out. A lot of times I use this blog as simply a means of doing that, of emptying my thoughts from my head and putting them somewhere where I (and others) can see them. Instead of having them just confined in my mind, they are somehow free. I was thinking about this the other day, actually, what would happen if I simply just stopped posting. And I realized that it would really be different; I’m just so used to it now.

A lot of things, though, a lot.. I don’t put here. I hesitate before saying something, because of the lack of anonymity now. I sometimes contemplate completely starting anew, and having it completely hidden and therefore unreachable by people who know who I am. Sometimes I loathe the fact that I am known; I often desire to just be Anon. An indistinguishable being. So, I often find myself wanting to start a completely different blog, and also certainly wanting a completely new email address…

Rain again

So now part 2. (Of my day). Where was I? Oh yes—S.A. I walk in, and she says, “okay, I’m going to have you do a creative project.” I say, “chill,” and listen as she tells me what she wants me to do (something with the bulletin boards). I was about to do the tasks set before me, but then I remembered I needed to get the key from Regina in the front office to the display case (to take all our English projects out). I empty that out, lug the cumbersome projects back to her room, and then I start working on taking down all the bulletin board stuff. Oh yeah, this part is kind of crazy. So we’re talking as I start taking down papers, and then Mr. L comes in (even though he has a gov’t class then.. weird) and starts talking to Ms. B. about Canterbury tales stuff. I dunno.. it was just kind of a weird sight to behold for some reason. He left, and then we got to talking about the rest of the year (what we’d be doing and whatnot). We’re going to apparently quickly finish LotF, and then do Macbeth? Something like that. Ha, this is funny though: we were talking about the dearth of LotF books, and then she took off on this rant about public school funding. It was slightly amusing, yet also slightly frightening. Well, okay, it wasn’t actually scary… But, I mean seriously.. what she was saying was right on, too.

After that, the conversation tapers into something else, and then, as I finish up taking stuff off one board, she gets up and says, “I’m going to go get some coffee.. want some?” I look up, blink twice, and then say, “Well, yeah, sure.” She says, “Do you like cream?” Slightly fazed, I reply, “Um, yes please.” Without hesitation she says, “Sugar?” And I grin and say, “Oh yeah.” And she disappears. And as if that isn’t enough, she comes back in a while later with two identical coffee cups and says, “Oh, I couldn’t find any creamer, but hang on one sec, I’m going to go grab some.” I start to say, “Oh, no. It’s okay” but she’s gone before I can finish. I meander around the room; she’s gone a while. But then she comes back, and I say, “Thank you so much.” She smiles as she downs her own un-creamed coffee. Well, then I go to the IMC, cut some yellow paper for the board, and come back. After an eternity (and a little help from Ms. B.) I manage to get it to look decent. I then go back to the IMC to find some quotes to put on the board. Long story short, that takes the entire rest of the time, and also lunch.

I cut out most of the quote, but then had to leave because the bell rang. I was tempted to just stay there and not go to computer science, but I decided not to even though she was totally chill with it. Instead I moseyed on over to computer science, where we actually did work (hence the short blog post from then).

But get this: after the bell rang, I dashed out of the loft and into the pouring rain. And let me tell you, it was just about the greatest thing ever. The rain is so calming. I absolutely love the smell of cold, clean rain. It’s one of the best smells out there. So I grinned and walked leisurely through the rain, taking no heed that I was getting kind of soaked. I nonchalantly dropped into A-7, where Ms. B. still sat at her desk. She took me in for a moment, with my goofy smile, my cookie-monster shirt, and my complete soaked-ness, and laughed and said, “Hey, Sherri.” We talked for a bit about how completely wonderful the rain is as I got my tennis clothes from the cabinet. And with a “have a good weekend” from Ms. B., I trudged off into the rain.

Sopping wet and slightly delusional, I kind of just stood there by E-wing. I don’t know what compelled me to do this, but I walked under the overhang to get drenched. Grinning, quite cold, and hair plastered to my forehead, I simply just stared out at the parking lot. I stayed that way (for what I didn’t think was actually that long) but then gave a start as I saw Ms. B. in her little green jacket in her little blue car pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t want her to think me completely insane, so I ducked behind the building.. but I think she may have seen me anyway. Well, no matter. I don’t remember making a conscious decision to not go to tennis, but I kind of just instinctively flicked on my windshield wipers and drove home.

So yes. Today is just kind of a calm day. No wigging. No spazzing out. No rolling around on the floor like a freak and laughing. No real stress either...

I mean, I can think of lots of things today that certainly could have been potentially stressful… but somehow weren’t.

Sigh. I love curling up and reading (which is what I’m about to do)...I love creating simple cartoons in my simple sketchbook... I love coffee with cream and sugar... and I love everything about rain.

rain rain rain

You know that nursery rhyme, 'rain, rain, go away' deal? I don't understand it; I'm really really liking the rain today. It's amazing. It's like, 'woah, what's this cold, wet stuff falling from the sky??' Honestly. We never get any moisture, so the calming rain is a nice change.

The rain also likely means that tennis is cancled? I don't know. I probably should have gone yesterday... but eh. Eh, I say.

Today is a pretty chill day; I knew it would be. I woke up kind of late again, went to English, and started to do my biology. But then Kelsey comes in and we talk about random things of no importance, such as time travel, etc. Then English starts... the discussion actually went, from my perspective, very well. I'm actually quite pleased at the fact that I am now spouting off whenever possible. I don't know what actually has made me metomorphose into a 'discussion talker' from a 'mere discussion observer who says nothing.' Of course, LotF lends itself very nicely to discussion. Anyway, I went to bio, did bio-ish stuff. Oh yeah, then I went to student aid. I'll have to finish up my chill day later, as the bell just rung.

Is it Friday yet?

Okay, I'm here at my computer, sipping ice water. I just finished this weird teryaki chicken. I say this so often it's getting more than slightly mundane, but the fact remains: I'm tired. Tired, tired, tired. In several senses of the word. I plan on finishing this post, doing my bio, and then going to bed. Let me relate my day. I woke up late. I don't even remember this morning. I almost fell asleep in the shower; I don't know how long I stayed in there. I left my house at 8:02. I sped to school in the slick rain-- not exactly a smart move. I parked, sprinted to English. My watch isn't working right, so I didn't know if it was the actual bell or the 2-minute bell. I ran in, thinking it was the actual bell. I, panting and gasping, slowly filled with the realization that I actually still had 2 minutes. So I sat in my desk, trying to catch my breath, looking wildly and anxiously about. I was going to ask about how Ms. B.'s presentation went yesterday (we were talking a lot about it yesterday), but she looked rather irate as she typed a million words per minute on her computer. She said, "Here, Sherri, this letter came for you." I cocked my head as she handed over the letter, but it ended up being from NHS, saying, "thank you for helping at the family festival" blah blah blah. I skimmed it, threw it aside, and then class started. She read chapter 3 of LotF to us; it was amazing. I know most will find this quite absurd and will think me childish and kind of nuts, but I absolutely adore it when she reads to us. Her reading voice is amazing: flowing perfectly, smoothly, and, yes, flawlessly. I've never heard such a reading voice. It takes me back to elementary, then back earlier. Back to a time when all I had to do was lie my head on the cool, clean desk and let the words wash over me, to let my worries and cares and reality evaporate and plant myself in the story instead. And that's just what I did today as Ms. B. read to us. It's funny, really. I've heard that voice in so many different ways and tones; I've heard it in a disappointed tone, in a weary tone, in a giddy tone, and also of course in a friendly tone. Today, I heard it take on a multitude of volumes and emotions as she was reading... she gets into it, makes it come alive. Perhaps that is yet another reason why I absolutely love it when she reads to us. I don't feel lowered or diminished or insulted in anyway, as most probably feel to some degree. Rather, I feel happy for this excuse to step away from my current problems and worries, at least for a little while. It is an absolute escape, a real escape. Okay, enough of that, but you get the idea. In precal, it was pretty sweet. We watched October Skies, which actually was extremely interesting; I liked it quite a bit. The whole underlying message hit home directly, for me, at least. Basically the whole, 'I'm following my own dreams in life; if I put my mind to it, I can and will succeed at doing what I want... not what my parents want for me.' After class, the movie wasn't completely over, so I actually stayed and watched it with Julie, Paco, and Jeena. Then we had to un-glue ourselves from the screen and go to stats. We had a test... Enough said. It actually took a long time for once. At lunch I went to Key Club. After that was over, I wandered around with Kelsey and Julie and was feeling particularly drained and melancholy, so I opted to go to Ms. B.’s room. So, they shrugged and departed towards E-wing, and I trudged up to A-wing. I walked into the darkened room—no one was there. So, I flicked on a light, plopped my stuff on the floor, and sat down. I dug around for a spoon, finally found one, and proceeded to eat my yogurt. I pulled out LotF and read chapter 4 and part of 5. Students started coming in, and they were kind of just wondering where she was. I took on the role, sort of, of pseudo-secretary and told everyone that she should be back soon (when in actuality I didn’t actually know where she was but figured she was at an English teacher meeting since she mentioned that sometime). The bell rang, the 10-minute bell, and still I sat. After a bunch of kids were already in the room, she comes in, not looking even slightly surprised to see me sitting in my familiar desk. She smiles and tells me that I forgot my NHS letter in the room, and starts to talk about her lunch but then gets bombarded by students’ questions and statements. I grab my tennis clothes from my cabinet at the back of the room and toss my yogurt in the trash. Then I ungracefully slink out as I mumble a “later.” The 2-minute bell rings as I exit her room, so I end up half running half walking-very-fast for the second time today. I made it to yearbook in time, almost. We worked on t-shirt designs then head to the IMC to cut paper. I finally get back to the computer lab and work on something. After school was an adventure, but I shan’t go into details. Basically Kelsey and I ran around campus and around town looking for something we never found. Exciting, eh? So I ended up ditching tennis, which was alright considering my toe still hurt mildly, and I was kind of… lethargic anyway. I drove her home and we chilled for a little at her house. I came home, sighing. My evening has consisted of yelling and me being drained. I am devoid, empty. And so, so tired. I honestly feel like “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” right now. Oh yes, that reminds me… huge-o essay needs to be completed this weekend. Which is kind of an issue because my cousins are coming tomorrow and will be here all weekend. “I grow old.. I grow old… I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.” – Eliot (again).

Ah. Well. So, good things, good things *mumbles incoherently as eye twitches*.. let’s focus on the good things. I find that that nearly always helps, if not but a smidge. 1) Friday. Tomorrow. Is. Friday. And a green Friday at that! I can hear the hallelujah chorus… 2) It being a green Friday means I will have good classes. In English we’re going to have a discussion, which will actually be interesting (provided people actually stay awake and put forth some input). In Bio we’re going to take notes.. hey, my saving grace is that Mr. T is lively and interesting. S.A… well, the reader probably gathers that I very much enjoy it (and that is kind of an understatement). And Comp Sci is just chill. Where was I… oh yes, 3) Ms. B. and I were talking... about parents, actually. I was not necessarily ranting about the suffocating oppression I experience, but I was sort of relating my displeasure at my inability to change courses as per next year. I told her, yet again, that I wished I could student assist next year, or at least hinted at it. And she went on this schpeal of how she’s so happy I’m going to be in humanities next year and how I’m probably going to end up in her class. But then she said, oh, what was it, “Well, and if you’re not… then I’m just going to have to steal you.” At which point a grin spread across my face.

Yes, yes, yes. My 3 happy things that keep me going, at least for the here and now. For the here and now, I’m very content at the above 3 things. Part of the discussion tomorrow will actually be about what motivates human beings.. well, I think these 3 things are my little motivating factors right now. Yep. The fact that tomorrow’s Friday, the fact that tomorrow I will have great classes, and the fact that I’d actually be coveted enough to be ‘stolen.’ (ha ha).

So even though today wasn’t exactly peachy-keen (when it actually was very “bleh”), I’ve still got that tiny flame going inside me, that happy flame, the flame dancing with the prospect of the future. True, that flame is deep down and hidden, cloaked and shrouded by my lethargy, weariness, and bleakness, but it’s there.

Somewhere.

Chill

So get this: Mr. Y is gone, yet again. I was talking to Derek and apparantly he (he as in Mr. Y) has the flu. The poor guy seems to always be sick. He's gone so frequently.. it's insane. Anyway, so I'm sitting here, thoughtfully munching on my apple, trying to ignore the pain in my toe, and contemplating my juggling balls that are splayed thoughtlessly beside me. Basically... I'm doing nothing. I was playing powermanga for a while.. then I got slightly bored with it. Thus, I decided I would do something for the betterment of ... something.. by posting. Ah, well. Today has been pretty chill, I guess that would be an appropriate way to describe it. So I woke up (late), stumbled into the bathroom to get ready, and then I hear my mom saying "bye, guys" and then a door slam. I blinked a few times, dripping wet (I had just stepped from the shower), and then realize that they're going to SF. See, they (my parents, that is) are taking my little brother to an ear doctor, a consultation, really. Primarily they will (or have, I should say, by now..) talk about surgery, but yeah. So I had the house basically to myself (well, and my little sister) in the morning which is cool. I was contemplating dragging out the coffee maker, but then I decided I was already quite late. I left the house atrocious-looking, and mumbled a goodbye to my sister with toast in my mouth. I decided to bypass Starbucks this morning, to prove that I could, and went straight to English. During English, we took notes, for once, on citations in a research essay. So here's Ms. B.'s whole deal, her core, central issue: plagiarism. If she had to pick one thing and one thing only to enforce, it's 'no plagiarism.' She's hard-core when it comes to plagiarism; I've never seen someone so totally strict and persnickity about it. Don't get me wrong; I totally totally agree with her about how completely wrong it is to plagiarize. I've just never seen someone get like that. I suppose it's a good thing. In biology, we went over homework and took notes. Oh yeah, and had a pop quiz that I failed (though not literally, like I did last time..). Student aiding was pretty much amazing. I punched out letters, and I came back and well, we basically just talked the entire time. I made posters for the staff meeting while we just talked and talked. You know, I think that's what I'm really going to miss. Is just talking, one on one, with no one but Ms. B. It's just so peaceful. We went to go hang up posters in the Speech Theater, and then walked back to the room where we defiled and disected students' projects. I got to keep a bunch of little toy cars that I'm giving to my brother, and we talked a lot about kids. Lunch was just blah. Not even worth mentioning. Besides, now the bell is about to ring. Tennis, here I come.

Go away...

So basically I'm dead tired. I really don't know why I'm so drained yet again. I mean, I didn't go to tennis (there wasn't practice).

Maybe it's my toe. It is killing me; I've never known such sharp, intense pain before. Well, I did break it (coincidentally the exact same toe), but I don't remember that even hurting all that much. But I literally mauled it; it's in shreds. I very much doubt that you the reader would want to know all the gory details, but it involved me stabbing my toe in an attempt to dig out whatever it is that's jutting into my flesh, but then rupturing something and goop oozing out. And I ripped the flesh and my toe was basically gushing blood. Pleasant, eh? So I finally just got extremely fed up, cleaned it, slapped a bandaid on, and now I guess I'll just hope for the best.

The rest of my day was as such. No, it actually was alright as b-days go. I went to Starbucks before school, where I saw Coach H. I went to English where I talked to Ms. B. and showed her my drawings of the characters in LotF (that I just drew for fun). Didn't do much in English actually. Oh, but I did end up leaving my poem on her desk; I really kind of did want her to read it, though I don't know particularly why, I mean, it doesn't make a difference. Precal.. eh.. Stats.. Mr. P. talked. Oh, but it was pretty chill: for the first well-over a half hour, we talked about everything except statistics. Like, suing people and different lawsuits and then prayer in schools and religion and a lot of other stuff too. At lunch we chilled at bio, where I actually managed to get something done. Yearbook was humdrum.. we listened to crappy music. After school Kelsey, Julie and I went to Starbucks (second time today!). We got stuff, took them to the pond, and hung out there for quite some time. By this point in the day, though, my toe was really starting to killlll me, so I was really not very happy. I don't know what actually made me do this, but long story short I ended up taking off my sock and shoe, and dipping my foot in the water (because obviously the pond water has some sort of magic healing power.. oh yes...). Finally we left, drove home.

I miss it...

Well, I'm still up (obviously, eh?) and still not done with math. I'm eating chip and mint ice cream and trying to ignore the surging pain in my left big toe. Okay, since people I know are undoubtedly reading this, I won't get gory, but basically I have an ingrown toenail apparently, and it is quite red and swollen and generally just uncomfortable. Enough said.

So I have a 'profound' statement here, that I was stewing on as I stared blankly at my derivation worksheet: I am not a child any longer. I know what you’re most likely thinking right now (‘wow, she’s kind of slow..’) but I mean, really. I mean, yes, I’ve known for quite some time (many, many years) that I was transitioning from childhood into adulthood, but it rather dawned on me as I was lying on my bed doing precal that I was completely out of childhood and there was no going back. Never.

Okay, here’s the run-down of things. I was lying on my bed, barefoot and hair messed up, tapping my pencil distractedly as I stared at the complete gibberish of math symbols on the paper. I heard the hum of the dishwasher, the typing of a keyboard, the droan of the TV in the background. But then my ears perked up and I heard something else: my mother’s voice. It was calm, mellow, rhythmic, for once, and I realized that I had not heard that voice in this manner for quite some time now; she was reading to my brother. I listened for a bit, then I realized what she was reading: one of my favorite books from when I was my brother’s age, Corduroy. I listened in, shutting out the other noises, and shutting out my homework for the time being. I even shut my eyes. When it was finished, I suddenly grew revolted, almost. Here I was, 17, listening to a toddler’s bedtime story. But, in those few, peaceful, time-stopping moments, I was more than nostalgic; I was 3 again. I hadn’t heard my mother like that for such a long time. See, I’m usually the one that reads him a bedtime, story. Rarely my sister or dad. Anyway, I was, for a brief period, brought back to how it once was. A time when there really were no worries, or the biggest worry in my life was being able to write my b’s the right way in preschool or something ridiculous. There were no qualms of having to stay up to ungodly hours to finish pointless calculus derivations or statistics t critical nonsense. Not to mention scholarships, AP exams, and college. Back when life was simple and evil simply did not exist. I knew only the soft, ragged feel of my pink and blue blanket, knew only the soft voice of my effervescent young mother, knew only the taste of pancakes and noodles and mashed potatoes and cakes made with loving hands just for me. I didn’t know what life was like.

My point of all this is that I, for just a very brief speck of time, was tinged with envy. Yes, envy. Of my brother. Wait, no. For (oh, dear Lord, I sound like Dorian Gray) youth. Well, he’s right, you know. It’s the one thing that one can never get back. With time comes experience, knowledge. What is better, being young, nieve, and blissfully happy? Or being ‘un-blind-folded” and possessing knowledge of how the world really is? Which is better, happiness, or knowledge? Can one have both?

wasting time...

Yawn. I’m at home now, home from tennis and all. My left big toe really hurts for some reason, and it is becoming quite annoying. I just finished my English homework, which was to write an outline in MLA style (something we’ve never had to do). It’s pretty chill; I didn’t actually mind doing it. Definitely more appealing than statistics or precal.. much, much more than precal. In fact, that is one of the reasons I am now typing this instead of doing something more productive. Procrastination is a wonderful thing.

Ah, so. Brief run-through of the day, I suppose, would be in order. In English I handed out papers and then Ms. B. talked to the class about doing their outlines, but I went to the back table with Stephen to real LotF… I’m on chapter 4 now; it’s all right, I guess. I mean, I don’t hate in by any means. It’s actually pretty interesting. Then I went to bio where it kind of killed me. Bio is the reason that I was in a horrible pissed off/ tired of the world feeling on and off all day, so I really won’t go into any details here, but it was pretty bad. I dunno…. I usually really like that class. I mean, he’s a really good teacher, very animated, extremely chill, hilarious…. But I lately really haven’t been getting the concepts. I mean, I read what I was supposed to, but apparently it’s not sinking in. After the horrible horrible horrible quiz, the rest of bio was still kind of yuck. I was really tempted to scribble on the quiz: “Mr. T, give me a break, please; my bunny died, I’m out of wack and very drained,” but I didn’t. In Student Aiding, I went there, made a blank graph on Excel for Ms. B., came back and talked to her for a long time. And then she remembers she has something else I could do if I feel up to it (I was being a whiny brat of sorts, telling her how sucky bio was and how I’m so f-ing tired for some odd reason [but that’s okay, because she was complaining about how tired she was and how she kept waking up because of her detestable allergies ] so she offered to just let me sleep). I ended up traipsing back to the IMC and typing up a rubric for our research essay, and I managed to come back in time to talk to her for quite a while about her woodpecker escapades (exciting, believe you me). At lunch Kelsey and I went to the IMC where Julie was finishing up English stuff, and then we went to bio against my will. I went to comp sci, where we actually did considerable work (compared to usual, that is). After school I went to tennis, which was okay. I kind of still suck, but I’m glad Coach W. likes me. Today I made her laugh (okay, okay, she was laughing at me, but still). Since both Julie and I were in a kind of bummed out “wow, today’s kind of crappy” mood, we chilled at Starbucks for a bit, walked to the pond for a stroll, talked there for a while, then went home more soothed and pacified somewhat. I came home, ate tacos, did English. And now I think I’m going to actually start my precal or stats. Precal tomorrow is likely going to be murder again. Gasp. Wheeze.

I'm in computer science right now, sipping weird-tasting water. Hey, at least it's something; I forgot to bring a drink today, so I'll kind of take what I can get. So we just did this weird intense function. I'm copying it here just because I feel like it:

(defun intenseness(z L)
(cond ( (null L) 0)
( (= z (first L)) (+ 1 (intenseness z (rest L))))
(t (+ 0 (intenseness z (rest L)))))

Okay. Boy, that was fun. So now what... well, I guess I should explain why I didn't really post at all yesterday: a) My internet was being all funky, the connection strength was very low, and b) I kind of just didn't really feel like it.

But now I do, as I am quite bored up here in the loft. And, okay, here's the thing: I am also really tired! And I don't know why! I mean, I went to bed at a very reasonable hour (well, okay, 10:30, but that's way earlier than I've been used to going to bed lately) but I still woke up feeling like I could sleep for an eternity. I don't know why I've been so zonked lately. Maybe I should really just go to bed insanely early today and totally skive off my homework. I would relate my day, but I'm supposed to be working on another 'challenge'... maybe at home, I'll write about my day, but honestly I just feel like crawling up, closing my eyes, and letting sleep wash over me.

Over

I'm sitting here at my computer, eating cookies to placate my weariness. This really has got to stop: me being dead tired. So, today has been really an interesting day... and not necessarily in a good way. Where to begin? Okay, so I have a few things I need to say (the Mr. W sub guy story, the rabbit thing, and the tennis game). I think I'm actually going to post the sub story back at the original post later on, so I'll start, hm, at the beginning of my day.

I was rudely woken by a phone being jutted into my face, and I groggily spoke to Lisa for a little bit. I then got up, stumbled blindly into the shower, and then proceeded to get ready. I was doing the obligatory feeding of the animals, and it was just like any other day. I walked up to the rabbit cage outside, dumped the food in, and changed the water bottle. I thought it was odd that it was almost completely full, but I still changed it. It struck me as slightly odd that he wasn't hopping out to get his meager meal, so I absentmindedly opened the other side of the cage (the one he sleeps in; it's hidden) and .. oh dear, I really was going to continue, I really was, but I don't think I'm able. So I'll just end it with this: my rabbit is dead. I'll have that image in my brain for the rest of my life. I can't even think about it even now. And this, this image, is one that is really very meaningful. Finality. Over. I always knew this would happen, even soon. I wouldn't really say I was expecting it, but... It's just final. Done. Never ever going back. I am never going to say that "I have a rabbit named Oreo" anymore. I never even petted him goodbye. And, well, when I conjure up that image, I picture all living things, not just that one particular rabbit. This is really a morbid thought, but that image is, well, someday, me. And that kind of makes me cringe. But also, even more morbid, is the fact that, yes, I will, throughout my lifetime, see other things looking just like that. People, even. People that I know. And that is a thought that I personally cannot stomach. This lends itself rather nicely to something that I was thinking a little bit about yesterday. When people just talk of 'partying' or getting drunk or doing anything just really useless and stupid, they flippantly toy with their own life. I cannot really conceive of anything more serious than life or death. Death is really the most serious thing I can think of, because of the sheer finality of it. I don't honestly know what I will do when the time comes (times, really) that I will have to part with people.. forever. I have never actually lost anyone especially close to me; I mean, I have indeed been to funerals and have dealt with death. But never in a real, personal way. But every time that someone dies, it seems like the impact is more and more. For example, when I was, oh, in the upper grades of elementary, a woman from church died. I knew her, and would talk to her often, and she would always remark, "my, how big you are getting!" but then she got cancer. I made her a card and stood in the hospital room shivering for a few minutes while my mom talked quietly with the woman and her husband; she died the next morning. Then my great uncle Pete died a little over a year ago. He was very nice, and I would always eat spaghetti with him, and he gave me his favorite Cardinals hat, which I have always loved. Just recently, my other great uncle (other side) died. He would always talk in polish and we'd eat weird polish foods at his weird-smelling house, but I liked it there. Just really recently, a student at our school died. Now, this one I didn't really know, but it hits home because he was, well, our age. Younger. Now my rabbit. This one is different in that I really was his only real nurturer. We called him ours but in essence he was mine. Okay. Enough, enough, enough. My rabbit's life is over, just like this section of the post.

Anyway.... after being stunned into a silent bout, I realized that I was really running late for the tennis game. I sped to Lisa's and then we drove up. When we got there, there were only 2 other cars there, and for a second we thought, um, is this the right place? But then people started to show up. We warmed up for like a half hour and then proceeded to play. Bazak (sp??) and I played two people from the other school; we won 8-2. After that, I kind of sat around for the next hour and a half, at first waiting for Julie's game to finish, and then juggling tennis balls and talking with Julie. Oh yeah, and we ate donuts. Finally we were put back in, and this time I played doubles with Julie. We played the other team, and we won 8-5. People started to taper off, and then we helped put everything away. After a while, everyone was gone except me and Julie. We picked up the litter off the court, tidying up the place a little bit. We talked and lay down on the court for a little while, talked to Kels on the phone, and then I drove home, so tired I could barely think.

I was originally going to take a nap when I got home, but I used my better judgement and decided against it. So I just ate some cheese and crackers, read a bit of my book, and wasted time on the computer. I was sending something to Kelsey and it took about 10 eons to send. It finally did though.

Sigh. So now I sit here, sunburned (my arms kind of hurt!) and quite exhausted. I think what I'm going to do is take a shower (I'm still kind of all stinky), do a bit of homework, and then go to bed. A nap would probobly really mess me up (yes, Julie, you're right). I can tell that I'm going to be hurting tomorrow, from both the sunburn (yuck) and the sore, aching muscles. I actually did have a lot of fun at the match though. At the end it was ridiculously tiring though, especially since my arm muscles were like ripping. Well, at least it's over.

Hm. Today, though it's not over, was, I suppose anyway, an alright day. I'm not exactly happy, no. But, I mean, I'm alright with it. Cons: my rabbit's dead and I have an unpleasant image singed onto my brain forever, I have a mega-load of homework that I'm obviously not doing, and I'm sunburned. Pros: I actually made it to the tennis game, I won my two games and am actually improving on my serves and getting them over the net, and my family is currently out, in Albuquerque, which equates to peace and quiet here at my house so I'm really free to do whatever, whatever I want to. Freedom..

So. I sit here, eyelids drooping, hair messed up, aching and groaning, and writing a post. Well, I'm not anymore. Now it's over.

Dance pictures...

Oh, I'm so, so tempted to put some pictures up here. SO tempted. That's what I'm doing now, is looking at all the pictures/movies. Dangit. I want to at least put something up here to commemorate this insanely ridiculous event. Hm. Here:

I don't think I'll get in too much trouble for this one... I rather like it, actually. Wait, no. I like the movies a lot. I might put one one here later...perhaps.

crazy day... absolutely crazy

Okay okay okay. Lots of catch up work to do here. I know I owe everyone that amazing com sci sub story (the one about that really crappy picture of the confused guy), but that is going to have to wait, as I am about to conk out because of exhaustion. But first I must relate at least a bit of this day. English was kind of bland, really, for once. We presented our survival guide things and then worked on our works cited thing. I kind of just want this research paper to be done already... Precal was aight; Mrs. S. didn't do anything remarkably amusing today, not really. We get to do corrections since everyone pretty much failed that one part. And this is going to save me somewhat. Stats was just kind of chill. Sarah read my poem... I'd post it, but I'm afraid it's too personal. I'm actually quite happy with it. Who am I turning into? Some coffee-addict, sketchbook-clutching maniac who writes poetry while listening to classical music at 1:30 in the morning?? (this was last night, by the way). Apparently. But wait, it gets weirder. Where was I, anyway? Oh right. Stats.. Mr. P kind of just did problems and no one really paid attention. I kind of half attempted to at least look like I was... but to no avail. I ended up zoning out and scribbling a drawing of a bird on my crumpled piece of homework. Ah. Lunch. J and I were walking to Ms. B.'s room. We burst in and loudly belt a "Hey!"... but then we realize she's on the phone, so I grabbed my tennis close and sadly left. After meeting A in... A-wing.. we decided to go to yearbook. We chilled there for a while, and then it was actual yearbook class, where I and my fellow yearbookies were instructed by the wonderful members of film society on the proper techniques and workings of video cameras. I won't really use them at all, but hey.. After yearbook, I went with L to talk to Ms. H about this NHS project; apparently I'm going to make a poster for 'unique week' in April. Then we went to tennis, where I was convinced that I should just go for it, that I should play tomorrow. So, even though I don't have really the slightest clue what I'm doing, really, and I can't serve worth beans, I am going to play in the tournament tomorrow. It should prove quite an adventure. After tennis I went home for all but an hour, and then S picked us all up and we went to this ballroom dance thing (some dance to benefit ballroom club). At first it was sort of ridiculous, but then it got actually pretty interesting. I liked it. Some things were absolutely insane. Oh yeah, I got some great blackmail photos, guys.. heh heh heh. (Nice one of, um..). My personal favorite was the meringue ; it was quite enjoyable, especially done all fast, and then all slow-like. I also waltzed, cha-cha'ed , tangoed a bit, and of course, swing-danced. After that was all done and over, we traipsed to the cars and drove to... (yes, you guessed it!): Starbucks!! I got my obligatory white mocha. After we kind of got kicked out, we all walked over to the pond. We sat at the picnic table, played freeze tag (crazy), and lay on our backs and looked up at the stars. It felt just really crazy. After a long time, we finally got up, stood around on the sidewalk for a very very long time, and basically just chilled. At a little after 10 we left. Because we needed to get up early tomorrow (tennis)... And so what am I doing?? Sitting here, at 11, typing away. I need to be in bed! So that's where I'm headed. Wish me luck at my first tennis game ever. I hope it doesn't suck too bad; at least we get to sit around and watch more practiced players too...

yet another...

me at tennis, which is where I'm going right now (bell just rang). Ha ha.

dance dance

So I was listening to 'Dance Dance' just now (I'm in comp sci, by the way), and it inspired me to draw this. It's kind of crappy. I did it in like two seconds. But it is entitled 'dance dance.' Ha ha. This is kind of fun..

this image

The above image has behind it a crazy, crazy story. It's really ridiculous. This is basically the crappiest drawing I've ever done, yet it has caused so much commotion. I will have to relate the story later on.

Ow

So, my finger is bleeding. I just ripped off a hangnail, and it is quite painful. Truthfully, I'm kind of almost numb to the pain because I'm so tired.

Basically here's the run-down. I ended up going to bed at, well, about 3 last night, and this morning I could not get up. It was like I was incarcerated in my mountain of blankets; I knew I needed to get up, but I couldn't will myself to. I finally, finally mustered up the strength to open my eyelids and roll out of bed. It was close to 7:30... and school starts at 8:20. I need to leave my house at 8:00 at the very latest to make it to school on time. I had less than a half hour to get ready. And most of that time I was in the shower, in a comatose state, eyes closed.

It was 8:01 when I finally left, but I miraculously somehow parked, sprinted to English, and made it there before the bell. I ran in, breathless, chest heaving, eyes blood-shot from sleep deprivation and threw my stuff down. I said to Ms. B., still panting, "So basically I got like 4 hours of sleep last night... I'm kind of dead right now." I got a 'aww, poor Sherri' in return and we talked a little bit, but then the bell rang. We did the works cited page.. what fun. That's pretty much all we did today. Oh yes, and she checked note cards. I had 51 out of 50 notecards and 5 source cards out of 4. So that was good, that I managed to finish that last night. After English, I hung around, talked to her about keeping my tennis clothes in her room everyday, and also gave her the memoir that she wanted from me to give to Mrs. P. Oh, but then Brian came in and said, "hey, I really like the drawing taped to the door," and Ms. B. stood back and gestured towards me in a great sweeping motion. Well, then he came over and said, "Nice! High five," and we high-fived. It was kind of goofy.

Oh, but then I went to Precal. I honestly do not want to talk about this, let alone think about it, so I'm really not going to dwell on this class. Basically I got the worst grade ever on any test ever in my life. And, well, the sad thing is I'm not even exaggerating. I want to just camp out in Mrs. S.'s room and protest and bug the crap out of her until she gives us all extra credit. Either that or tie her up and ... well, never mind.

Stats was nothing special. I really don't have much to say about it except we took notes. And that I have a bunch of homework. J and S were passing notes. Well, I gotta say, I really dig taking notes in my sketchbook. It just feels so cool... plus I get to draw on the side.

At lunch we went to juggling, which was pretty cool except for two things: A) I didn't get any pizza because the guys are hogs and they devoured it all (3 boxes, guys? Come on!). B) I could not seem to get the hang of passing between two people. Kelsey and I were trying to get it to work the entire time. Darg, I say, darg!

In, erm, Yearbook, it was really different. It seriously feels like a different atmosphere entirely now. I'm serious; I can't even remember yearbook before. So basically it's looking like the DVD is going to be pretty manageable. I'm the only solo section editor though; but that's okay, it'll be fun. I like my job... and the fact that I have to approve people's 'plans.'

After school I went to tennis again. We drove over, changed at the college, and went over. Everyone was already in a circle. Mrs. W. or whatever actually turned out to be okay; I rather like her. She's so cute, with her little British accent. We did slightly different warm ups/ drills today. Then we worked on returns, then serves, and then we played an actual game. Our team (Amy and I) lost royally, but that's okay. At least now I grasp the concept and the rules involved (at least for the most part). And I actually got some good hits in today.

Dying of thirst, I sped to the library, where I got some water and 'worked' (if by work I mean flipped out my stats, did one problem, then found a book about juggling and looked at that for 40 minutes). Then I drove to the lenten church service/ soup supper thing. I had a bunch of potato soup; it was mighty fine. Then drove home. My sister was being a complete imbusil and then she got mad and proceeded to slap me. And I'm talking full-blown slap, too. Not pansy little "I'm just joking around" kind of slap. She really let me have it. It left a mark. And I was very mad.

Okay, so now I think I really need some actual sleep... I just ate this really weird pop-tart and imed Julie for a while.

My bed... my nice, warm, fluffy, heavenly bed... it's calling me..

My finger stopped bleeding, by the way.

zombified

Ah, now that it is, um, Wednesday, I finally finished my English. I have some pretty darn good notes, if I do say so myself. It actually shouldn't have been that hard; I don't know what my problem was.

My problem currently is a question I am deliberating over: To do my math homework, or not to do my math homework?- that is, I say with a half smile and a yawn, the question. Grumble mumble. I honestly don't know if I will end up doing it or not. I will try. Some quote is coming to me now, though, strangely enough. It's from one of the Star Wars.. Yoda says something to the effect of, "Do or do not. There is no try." Gosh. I'm a freak.

So right now I'm in one of my comatose states, as I oft tend to do in the pitch black of the night. I feel kind of like a zombie. My dad is in CA right now, and everyone else in my house is completely zonked out. If I wanted to, therefore, I could, well, leave or something. They'll just think I went to school early. I don't think I will do that, but just a thought. Or I could watch Back to the Future, which is sitting here on my desk, looking up at me imploringly saying, "Please watch me. Watch me." I don't think I will, sorry. Soon.. soon.

So, in other news, I have almost mastered one-handed juggling. I have been able to juggle for a while now, and have, I sheepishly admit, been a member of juggling club this year. But I haven't actually been able to juggle two balls in just one hand before.

Oh yes, one more thing. I finally google-earthed the distance of our running path (original one) and it is only 1.6 miles. (I thought it was 2).

Ah well. I'm so zombied... I really think I'm going to need a 'pick-me-up' Grande (maybe Venti?) White Mocha tomorrow... which equates to me getting up a smidge earlier. Groannnn. I heart coffee but loathe getting up early for it. I want to, though. After all, it's not that much earlier.

Oh yes, (last thing, I promise) that reminds me. Ms. B. put up, on her door, one of the drawings (well, collection of drawings; it's not just one person) I gave to her. ("Students' reactions to the words 'Research Paper.' " I like it, anyway..) So people should check it out..!

Alright. Well, I'm about to keel over. I had better stagger over to my stats book, peel it open to some page and start scribbling nonsense into my striped notebook. Isn't homework the best thing ever??

Aaaah- Cannot concentrate!!

There is definitely something wrong with me.. I cannot seem to concentrate at all! Maybe it's the 2 big bowls of mint chocolate ice cream I ate for dinner, but I just cannot do it. Instead of working on homework, I just get distracted. I'm listening to Pandora again, and maybe that's part of the problem. I'm also just reading different things on the internet. And I was screwing with my blog colors (I kept hitting the shuffle colors button). So, there we go. I'M GOING TO GO WORK NOW!! Gah!

Tennis

Okay, so I last posted in Comp Sci, then I met Lisa in E-wing and went to tennis. So, here goes: It was insanely hot from the minute we walked up. There was a dog there, some lady's dog. I met the coach, Cindy. Not Coach Cindy, just "Cindy." She is a pretty cool lady; she's very peppy and happy and very into tennis. We just kind of hung out and waited for everyone else to show up, then we got in a circle for Cindy to introduce everyone to our sub coach (Cindy is going to Fl? I think for 2 weeks, and so we need a sub). So everyone said their names and then we did something that almost made me want to just laugh at the absurdity of it all. Here's what we did: We all followed Cindy and ran around one tennis court (not the entire fenced in area- no. ONE court) ..3 times I think. And that was our warm up 'run.' It took like, less than a minute. It seemed much less, actually. I mean, a warm up run in XC is, well, like 7 minutes or something. It was just crazy. Then we did these weird drills. And then Cindy was teaching us 'Austrailian' or something. It's basically nifty hand signals that tell your partner what you're going to do (which side of the court you're going to cover, like, if you'll stay on that side or switch to the other side). Julie runs up in the middle of it. And then we 'beginners' work on lobs and overhands. Lobs are alright. Most of the time though, I was doing overhands, which I'm actually not very good at. Something cool happened, though. Elise hit the ball to me, and I hit it back with a tremendous amount of power. I was kind of perplexed, though, and looking around thinking, 'where'd it go?' But then I realized when everyone was laughing that the ball had actually gotten stuck in the racket! I thought it was amusing anyway... For the remainder of the time, we practiced serving and returning. At first, serving was horrible, but then I managed to actually do it. See, in PE freshman year, I think it was, I couldn't even manage to get it over the net most of the time. Well, I quickly grasped that, but I could not for the life of me get it in the diagonal square. I did, though, but then it was time to rotate and for the longest time I just returned (or attempted) balls that were served to me. Anyway, then it was time to clean up the balls for the varsity girls to play. That little black cage that picks up the balls is basically the coolest thing evah, I just want to throw that out there.

So, yes, I like tennis. And I'm glad I can do it, considering my parents weren't/ aren't exactly thrilled with my grades and whatnot. It's very stress-relieving.

And NOW I will stop stalling and do my English research and math(s).

The definition of 'exhaustion'

Most likely how I will look tonight, while working on my homework. It is the bane of my existance...

am i insane?

I'm in comp sci right now, and Mr. Y is walking around catching up on grading stuff. And I am eating a ham sandwich and wasting time on the computer. Okay, I finished (the sandwich, not the blogging, obviously). So today I woke up surprisingly like a normal person, that is, I heard the alarm, got up, and shut it off (instead of tackling my alarm clock and somehow shoving it in my backpack, as has happened before, I think). I did not indeed have coffee at all today; I think every single day, though desirable, probobly isn't the greatest thing ever for me. So instead I had actual substantial breakfast... if you call frootloops substantial... I drove to school, walked to English, and as soon as I walked in the door and set my stuff down at my desk right by hers, I said, "Oh. Crap." And she looked up at me from her computer and grinned, and I strode out of the room saying that I didn't get The Lord of the Flies like I was supposed to. Just my luck- the fookin' book depository was closed until 9:30 today. So, being the ingenious and crafy lady that I am, I went to the IMC. Kelly and I got the last copies. It was pretty sweet though; see, you're supposed to have an ID when you check out a book, but since the librarian knows me (from student aide, I guesss) she said, "oh, I know you, it's okay." So I didn't have to run back to Ms. B's room to get my ID. In class, we were put in groups and we had to do this little creative project. Basically it's making a survival booklet (it's a little intro assignment to Lord of the Flies..). And, well, I really tend not to like it when I'm in a group with all guys. I really have nothing against all guys; some are quite nice. Now, I don't want to make any generalizations here, so I had better watch my mouth... or fingers, as the case may be.. Anyway, the point is that I was put in a group with 3 gentlemen that are... well, kind of disgusting. At least they worked, though. We ended up being a good group. I did all the drawings, and even drew a little map, and they mostly wrote the instructions. A lot of what they wrote is kind of demented and some parts are obscure... but it's all cool. It's sort of funny..,you know, if you tilt your head and squint. Well, then after that escapade I went to my doom, I mean bio. Well, no. I'm exaggerating here. The test wasn't that horrible. The matching was the very worst part. Now I'm eating frootloops (dry); we had to do an assignment for a while but I'm back now. So after bio I went to S.A. where I made this poster for her and then she left to go meet Ms. N somewhere about something. I kinda chilled out and ate some of my lunch and drew in my sketchbook, and then when she came back, she had about a zillion things for me to copy. I took them with a smile that probobly looked a bit like a grimace, and then headed for the IMC. Okay, this parts kind of stupid. I normally don't give up on jobs, but there were 4 people waiting at the table and I was told to go back. I walked back to her room and Alice tagged along with me. I thought she was going to leave when we got back to the room, but no, she came in with me. Ms. B. gave us a funny look and I said, there were already 4 people there. Ms. B. said that she was sorry and that I should just go wait. Meanwhile Alice was waving all goofy at this teacher she doesn't even know. I went back to the IMC and waited... and waited. When it was my turn, I was a complete idiot and didn't remember how to staple with the copier. So I spent a million billion hours stapling all the packets by hand, and I was still working away 20 minutes into lunch when Kelsey came. Together we finished. Near the end, Mrs. W. came up to me and said, "Do you want me to show you how to use the stapler?" It was completely humiliating, but I finally finallllly got it done and we proceeded back to Ms. B.'s room. She was very happy and K, J, and I all sat around. They left, and then I talked to Ms. B. a bit more while I ate my yogurt with her spoon. Luckily I remembered all my junk that I left in her room this morning... Well, now there's only a half hour left, and then I go to tennis. It's so weird. I don't know what to expect, so I'm just going today with an open mind. Well, we'll see how this goes, huh? I have stats and precal and still lots of English research to do yet.. and all of it's due tomorrow. Yikes. So. Plan: 1/2 hour here, go to tennis 'til 5ish, take L home, get home and watch my brother, plant him in front of a movie so I can work like crazy and hope I finish before I conk out due to exhaustion. And maybe eat some ice cream on the side.

There. See an exciting day in the life of me. Sometimes I wonder.. am I crazy? The whole running (literally) around before school trying to locate a copy of a book, bombing the matching part of the bio, making a million copies of a million packets and not even doing them right, always stealing Ms. B.'s spoons, scarfing my lunch in comp sci, and now going to join a sport that I've never even played (again, I probobly shouldn't be admitting that...)?

insane

A few spoutings

I'm really quite bored of studying bio (though I should probably really be attempting to cram all that knowledge into my tiny, incapable brain), so I thought that I would come here and give a smattering of random thoughts. I shall type them as they come to me. Ahemm, let's see.. Well, first of all, blisters are very annoying. I have two, both on my left foot, and they are painful, especially the one on my big toe. They are, I presume, from wearing fancy shoes for hours and hours and hours at that Kiwanis Auction this weekend. Next off, I desperately wish I had a scanner. If I had a scanner, I would be able to scan in drawings from my sketchbook, and that is something that I really really would like to be able to do. Really. My parents actually do have a scanner, but there are problems that arise.. First of all, it's complete trash; it really is not a very good scanner. The HP scanners at school seem much more competent. Sigh. Alright, let's see.. also, I wish I had some sort of device to kind of pause time, so that I could study all I need to (which is, I feebly admit, a lot. I need to at least read the flippin' chapter..) and also get sleep. It would be amazing to freeze time. Time is perhaps the single most intriguing concept, at least to me. I could go on and on, but I should not bore the reader. Another random thought, my pants, the ones I am wearing right now, are severely ripped. They are ripping more and more with each wear. I love these jeans; they're basically my favorite article of clothing.. alas they are not invincible miracle pants, which means they are really starting to deteriorate. And it saddens me. What to do, what to do? Should I keep wearing them as often as always, or should I start wearing them more rarely, wisely, sparingly, saving all that precious wear? I will most likely end up doing the former. More spoutings... let's see.. Here's an interesting note, though many (all?) will not find it interesting, as you are not me. What I mean is this: My little brother, I have only recently realized, is really growing. Profound statement, eh? I'm serious, though. He's not the baby he once was; I mean, he understands a lot now. It seems as if one second he was the gurgling drooly blob of pink flesh in a diaper, and I blinked and now he is this intelligent, bright blue-eyed tallish human. It's amazing how he's developing intellectually. He says the alphabet (almost, anyway) and randomly counts. Here's an example: I was outside in the sandbox with him, and we hear these birds in the sky making, you know, birdish sounds. I say to him, "Hey, what are the birds doing?" And he looks up and kind of shrugs and says, "Well, the birds are flocking." Flocking??? How does he even know that word? I'm just kind of shocked at how different this kid is getting. I like it, don't get me wrong.

Lugubrious

I'm not going to say that today was necessarily "lugubrious," I just really like that word. I felt a tad lugubrious at key points today... but at other points things were totally fine. I did some pretty weird things in the morning in my sleep apparantly, because I found my alarm clock in my backpack. Now tell me.. how does this happen?? I haven't the faintest idea, but I do remember holding my alarm clock with me in my bed and then shutting it off.

Anyway... I went to school, resisting the call of Starbucks (a. I was broke and b. I was already kind of late-ish). I talked to Ms. B. a little bit. It's kind of cool, but I feel a bit, well, odd just walking in, saying "hey" with a slight wave, and she smiles and starts, "So how was your weekend, Miss Sherri?" I mean, I like it, yes, but I feel kind of, I suppose guilty would be the word to describe it, but it's not exactly that. Like, when other students from my class file in and say hi, she smiles at them or says hello distractedly. I guess it would be just better if no one else were in the room. I mean, I feel completely fine just talking, blah blah blah, with her, conversing about whatever, during student aide. It's just a bit weird when I'm sitting in class talking with her, when I should be doing work. Well, whatever. She doesn't care, even gives me excuses to not do work (talks to me, hands me papers to hand out). I ended up actually a lot done, surprisingly. I think it's something about the IMC; I just find it extremely hard to do research in there. I much prefer sitting at my familiar, friendly desk in the front of Ms. B.'s classroom..

Oh yeah, one thing I should mention I suppose, is the death of a student at our school. I always feel very weird when I get news like that, and my imagination for some reason just reels. I imagined, though I don't know why, if it were the principal announcing some other death, like a friend's or even my own. I wondered if people in the class would be reacting differently...or if Ms. B. would be really sad. I mean, that would be the weirdest, most awful thing, to have one of your friends die. Such a short life. I mean, teenagers tend to feel invincible, 'something like this could never happen to me or affect my life' kind of deal. The reality is that, well, we really don't know when we could die. (And, yes, I realize I should not joke about the matter). Anyway, I wish his family the best and all...

Precal was alright, I suppose, especially because Mrs. S. decided to be really amusing today again. This time it wasn't about her sucking her teeth or tongue or whatever she does; it was about 2 things. So first, I dropped my black pencil. She picks it up, studies it for an eternity, looks sort of bemused and says, "hey, did anyone lose a pencil?" I say, "Oh. yeah, that's mine..", reaching out my hand for it, expecting her to just give it to me and we would both move on in our mundane lives. But no, she decides to spice things up and doesn't hand it to me. Instead she says, "Are you sure ya want this? Merbine Black Warrior?" I'm slightly confused for a second, and then take the pencil from her and realize that 'Merbine Black Warrior' is written on it. And then she walked away and laughed. It was slightly insane. It's really not that great of a story, but hey, it's some excitement. A few minutes later when everyone was silent, working on homework, she suddenly blurts, "Has anyone here seen the movie Norbert?" And no one even looks up or makes any sort of indication that they heard her. Silence... silence.. and then she says, a bit quieter and less emphatic, "Well, I heard it wasn't a good movie, anyway..." She faded off, and still no one said anything at all. It was just a weird experience; I know Julie and I took great pleasure in the strangeness of it all.

Stats was amazing amazing. Not the 'all we have to do is goof around' kind of amazing, nor the 'no homework' kind of amazing. It was the 'I just got a miracle handed to me' kind of amazing. I thought I really didn't do all that hot on the test that we took just last time, but I was apparently wrong, as I just got the highest score I think I've gotten in that class on a test ever. Certainly this semester... So, that was a good thing. And then we took notes (I decided to take them in my sketchbook, because I already had it open, showing people some drawings...{of Ms. B's boyfriend, but let's not go there..}). I drew, well, right on top of my notes, sorta, a picture of Mr. P. It doesn't look terribly like him, but it doesn't look terrible either. I rather like it... I showed it to him, and he said it was "silly," but that it was a good drawing though.

At lunch we really did nothing for once... for once we went to Sarah's mom's room and just kind of ate. We attempted to go outside, but the doors would just lock behind us, so we stayed in.. and talked about tennis. Particularly, we talked about my joining tennis, which it looks like I'm going to do. I'm actually pretty happy; I do indeed like being in a sport. There's just a slight problem... that is, I don't actually know how to swing a racket or even know the rules (probobly something I shouldn't be admitting to, but..). I will learn, though, I will learn. And from what J and L say, Cindy is very nice. So that was lunch.

In yearbook, hm. Well, it didn't really feel like yearbook. Now that the yearbook is done, our partner/group things have dissipated, and things generally feel out of wack. I myself felt rather useless, and out of place, kind of. I, for the majority of the time, actually, helped Becky with the t-shirt design. I know that it was just brainstorming, that we weren’t actually doing anything concrete here, but I’m not quite sure she really understands the ramifications of getting excited about one particular design, and actually already designing it (which she is). I’m worried she won’t like change. But really, all of staff should have input. I mean, I have my own idea… which she stated simply as “nice idea, but it’s too expensive.” Well. So now it’s time to really focus on next year, and basically I’m ‘lugubrious’ at the fact that I cannot be editor because of the whole free-period thing. I don’t know.. I just feel kind of like I should, but can’t. Oh well. It’s done. It’s over. But, like I stated in my little assignment due today, I really really want to help, and I plan on helping out all I can.

So then I drove home, with Kelsey. That was a tad lugubrious, too. Well, not really, just weird. And now I’m home, and I have a very bad headache. I’m trying to find that stupid little CD for bio, so I can study, but I can’t. I hate it how I get headaches; it drives me insane. I guess I’m just going to go read the bio chapter. My house is never, ever quiet though, I just want to add that in there. My brother is running around in his superman underwear and yelling, my mom is bickering and pleading saying, “someone watch him,” and my sister is banging away on the piano, like always. That’s a classic scene at my house. And I go, ‘typetypetypetypetype’ on my computer.

N.A.P. (not again, please...!)

Darg! No no no! Alright, so basically I just got up. I was taking a much-needed nap, apparently. I did it again… that is, I left my contacts in (and, you know, it’s not really the best thing..). I've been doing this lately. I really need to stop it. So now what?? I missed everything by just conking out. I slept on and on and on and on... And now I’m wide-awake. Well, sort of… I guess I’ll just have to catch up with everyone tomorrow. I feel really bad about it, but I needed sleep. I didn’t even mean to take a nap (obviously, eh, since I woke up shocked and annoyed with myself that I had left my contacts in). Luckily, I got my yearbook thing done. Oh yeah, and right now I’m very, very cold. Crap Crap Crap. I really screwed up my whole sleeping schedule now, with my staying up late watching movies and staying up late at the Kiwanis Auction. (Yay we made lots of money for Key Club). Not to mention the whole daylight savings thing. I remembered it, thankfully, because I was actually up at 2 am when the time did change. I don’t know what possesses me to stay up till wee hours of the night just wasting time on the computer. But I do. Oh, I do. I don’t know what’s going to happen now, but I guess I should try to go back to bed, even though that’s where I just came from. Hooo. Okay. It’ll all be chill. Tomorrow I’m going to go in to English and talk to Ms. B (dare I talk about the purple binder?) and do research. And then the maths (which I completely completely did, thank you). And thenn yearbook, where I will turn in my honkin’ assignment and work on stuff, though I don’t yet know what. Wow, I’m really cold. I guess I’m going to go.

this now

I don't know why, but I feel like I haven't posted in an eternity. It honestly has felt like an eternity from when I last really posted (aside from the quick, nothingness post at Kelsey's). Wow. It's insane. So, basically, I've kind of changed. Not drastically, no, but I admit to a slight difference now. Just slight.. and I can't really put my finger on it.
I suppose I should do some sort of, um, catching up/ filling in sort of deal here. Basically these past few days... or rather..Thursday night and all of Friday and I suppose a bit of today, have been, well, just really weird. They have been the epitome of the whole teenager struggle. Are these years the best years of our lives? Or are they the worst? Back and forth back and forth.. I won't go into detail, but I'll relate a bit of the 'back-and-forth-ness' here.

One second I'm totally free, an independent person, completely in control of myself. I'm a marionette that has been cut at the strings. Though literally held to earth by gravity, I am above it all. I feel like nothing is constraining me; now I can fly. I'm me. I’m free.

The next I'm a 3 year old, completely incapable of anything. I have no power, no being. I have nowhere to look but up, because I’m so small and insignificant. I cannot look anywhere, do anything; I am completely immobilized… Incarcerated.

Back and forth… back and forth.

So, Thursday. I hung out with my friends after school; we watched a movie (Crossing the Bridge) and ate popcorn. After it was over, we went to Coffee Booth, where I immersed myself in my mocha and the conversation, really not caring about anything. It was a simple outing, a group of people hanging out watching a movie and then going to a coffee shop some Thursday night, but it meant something. It meant not worrying, it meant I was just a normal (let’s not go into the definition of normal right now..) teenager. Anyways, we were ushered out at closing time, and I then proceeded to the library. It’s odd—I never usually go in there, but for the second day in a row I found myself meandering around the shelves and shelves of books. I somehow found myself next to photography and art history; I shrugged- this was agreeable. I attempted to do homework (and actually got some done), but then glanced at my watch.. time to go to the concert. It was a concert by Old Man Shattered, a Christian band, apparently. Well, no. Actually not apparently. I would have actually not known they were had I not been informed of that. I mean, the lead singer looks, well, there’s really only one word to describe him: emo. He has longish black hair (obviously dyed) and also several tattoos on his skin-and-bones arms. K, so I called my friend whom I was meeting, and he said to meet him at Starbucks. And that was certainly alright with me… I, while waiting, bought my favorite beverage ever. Yep, you guessed it, a Grande White Mocha. I sort of bought it on impulse, and started greedily gulping it down without thinking. So my friend lopes up closely followed by two very unique-looking people, a girl and a guy.

Okay, I just realized this is boring me. Let’s cut to the chase. Enough describing unimportant details. Basically I went to the concert; there were a surprising amount of people there. And it was surprisingly loud. As well as surprisingly dangerous… I also felt surprisingly at ease. I felt at ease in the essentially mosh-pit-esque atmosphere. Sweet, sweet coffee churning in my belly, deafening music piercing my brain, sweat trickling down my face as well as all the others in the room. As I jumped and waved my hands and rammed into body after body, I rather felt I was a completely different person.. or maybe that I was completely myself. In any case, the details of this whole situation were not important; it was just the whole feeling that was. The ‘I’m completely unconfined feeling.’ And, really, it was amazing. Almost as amazing as I felt speeding home, averaging, oh.. 70? And windows down and music up up up. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt less stressed ever before. Maybe it was the ridiculous amounts of caffeine surging through my body, but I felt as if I were shining as bright as the billions upon billions of stars above me in the chilly air. I absentmindedly tapped my fingers upon the wheel and turned the music even louder.

But then… Friday. I now know why we don’t have Friday’s off… so that everyone stays sane. I really do not feel like going into details, but basically I was at the hospital for a while with my mother, brother, and sister. My brother has yet another ear infection and must inevitably undergo surgery. My mom was not in a good mood for whatever reason. I got home. I went running. Kels and I came back. I talked to my parents on the phone multiple times and grew very upset at rules that I, as of yet, do not understand. I got fed up and hung up. I broke the phone. Completely helpless and defeated, as well as slightly emotionally unstable, I drove to Kelsey’s. There we watched Mon Oncle. It is absolutely the craziest movie I have ever seen. We popped in the DVD, hopped onto the waterbed, and 2 hours later I was much different from the berated, beat-up girl I was on the phone at my house. All I can say is French slapstick is certainly very beneficial sometimes. I want to grow up to be a mix of, well, many different people (me now, CS, J-Scott and J-Borg, as well as other great cartoonists, my aunt Lina, my Opa, Ms. B, and now, the uncle from Mon Oncle. Also other people, but…). Anyway, then we ate quesadillas, chilled a bit, and I went home, a calmer but different person. A person with resolve. A resolve to not freak out and over-react at stupid (yes, stupid) rules. I may not agree with a lot of what my parents do, nor understand yet why they do some things, but I resolved to act like a civilized human being.

And surprisingly, from yesterday, new things have stemmed from all of this. I came home and had a conversation with my dad, person to person. Well, it really was father to daughter, but we both made an effort to listen. And we heard each other. We both won’t budge (we are, after all, very, very different people)… but we both listened.

I guess I’m just going to have to take the back and forth. I mean, what else can I do but keep on living my life? After a surprisingly short time, these years will be behind, far behind. They will exist only as faint whisps of memory, sketches. And when they are past, will I be sad or happy? Who knows? At times, I’m sure, I will feel quite happy… but then again, I will, I’m sure, miss these years, miss what I cannot ever grasp again—the whole teenager thing.

Sigh. Enough of this. “I grow old… I grow old.” – Eliot. I’m just going to live, live in the present, the only thing really real. Now. Ha. I was just jolted with a very strange reminiscent memory of sitting in art class in 5th or 6th grade, and we were having a very philosophical conversation about time, about how ‘now’ is never really attainable, because ‘now’ is always changing. Hm. Well, back to my thought: I will simply be. In the present. I’ll drink white mochas, I’ll speed, I’ll hang out with friends, I’ll pour over dusty, ponderous books, I’ll put graphite to the crisp white paper of my sketchbook, I’ll chill with my bro, I’ll cry, and I’ll smile.

“I grow old… I grow old.” – Eliot.